Thinking it through

I didn't email the doctor requesting a surgery date yet. I want to think this through a little more.

First off, I've still got sticker shock. It'll cost me about $9000 including the cost of the surgery, lodging, travel, and meals. That's a lot of money. My car isn't worth that much. Yes, I have the money and I will still have some in reserve. But is being comfortable in my body really worth that much?

The other consideration is, this is a major, permanent change to my body. What if "they," particularly my mother, are right? (No, I haven't talked to her about it recently, just going by what she's said in the past.) What if this is a mistake, a phase I'll grow out of? What if I decide someday that I want breasts? I'm trying to imagine that scenario, but it isn't easy. Instead, when I think about it, I think about how long this "phase" has lasted so far. At three years old, wishing I had a penis like my brothers. At the onset of puberty, proud that I had underarm hair like my father, but mortified that my body was growing breasts. High school, arguing to be on the boys' team, refusing to play when the teacher wouldn't let me. There have been plenty of times when I've tried hard to be a girl or a woman, and times when I've made myself think that this was the case. But I was miserable trying to be a woman. If this is a phase, it's a rather persistent one, don't you think?

I have the opportunity to correct a deformity on my body. I have the chance to never wear a chestbinder again. That'll feel strange at first, going out into the world without that armor, but it'll feel good, too. I won't have to cringe every time I see myself in the mirror. It'll help a lot with passing.

I want to do this. I want my body to be like every other man's inasmuch as that is possible. I just want to be normal, to be me. Why am I still scared of change?