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It's been a while, hasn't it? Some combination of not having anything to say and wanting to keep my head stuck in the sand.

The feelings sometimes come in waves. I can go days, weeks, even a month or two without strongly feeling the pain of being in the wrong gender. And then it's all I can think about. I spoke at my church last week about my journey, my struggle to be where I'm at now even. And it's November, which means two things: Transgender Day of Remembrance is coming up, and so is my birthday. Both are things which make me horribly introspective. Unfortunately (fortunately?), I'll be out of town for both days. I won't get to celebrate Day of Remembrance with my community. Maybe I need to be away this year. I have trouble handling that day (both days, really, but especially Day of Remembrance), and right now it hurts so bad. I'm so close and so far from transition, from being who I'm supposed to be. I'm another year older, another year of my not-life has gone by, leaving me with one fewer year for when my life finally begins.

I've been wondering if there's another way, a way I wouldn't have to stay "female" for several more years, and also be able to leave my job for something I'll find more fulfilling. And I think maybe I have it. I've been trying to figure out what school social workers do. (If anyone knows a school social worker who might be willing to answer a few questions about the job, please tell me.) I think that might be something I'd like to do, and I could do it with an MSW with a PPS certification. The way it works is the MSW program at CSUF is a 60 unit program, and everyone takes 54 units the same. The remaining six units are for electives; in order to become a school social worker I would need to take two classes in school social work as those electives.

I think the MSW program at CSUF will be more accepting of my transition. They're a state-funded school that, by law, cannot discriminate (I think). And I'm fairly certain I won't lose my current job if I transition, so I could work full-time where I'm at while taking classes part-time. What's more, if I can commit to staying with my job for two years beyond receiving my MSW, the state may pay for my tuition. I'm not sure I want to commit to working for DCFS; I'm terrified I'll be put in ER (emergency response) and have to be the one interviewing abused children and removing them from their homes. I don't think I could do that. But I was talking with my mom about my educational options, and she said that if I needed to quit early, I'd just have to pay back the tuition, which I'll have to pay for sure if I don't apply for the Title IV E Grant.

All this leaves logistical issues. If I do everything as soon as I can, I'll be applying under one name now and showing up for classes under another name next fall. And it would mean I couldn't keep putting off fully coming out to my family.

I don't know. It isn't school psychology. But it is a career working in the schools with kids. It's still a ticket out of what I'm doing now. And I wouldn't necessarily have to wait to get on with my life. I'm so tired of waiting.