Urgency

I'm still feeling a strong sense of urgency about transition. Right now, the focus is on my name. I had chosen Jesse because it was the unisex name I liked most. However, maybe I don't need a unisex name. Maybe I want a strictly male name. Long before I thought of being Jesse, I had considered the name Jacob. Well, "considered" is a bit of an understatement. The story of Jacob wrestling with the angel resonates with me. There is meaning behind that name for me. Like there was meaning in my parents' consideration of choosing my birthname - my dad told me from when I was very young that I was named for the Rachel in the Bible, for whose father Jacob (yes, that Jacob) worked for many years in order to get her hand in marriage. I never liked the story. I never wanted to be a passive object of affection. But the point is, there was a story. Jesse really has no story. I mean, yes, a character in Stone Butch Blues was named Jess, but that's hardly on par with a Bible story I identify with so strongly.

I've already told a number of people that I'll be Jesse, but I haven't formalized anything. I can still change my mind. Right now, I'm not certain, but I'm strongly leaning toward Jacob. The indecision is driving me crazy, though. I wish someone could just choose for me, but I'm paradoxically glad that it's my decision alone.

I'm also strongly leaning toward transitioning sooner rather than later, and doing the MSW over the School Psych degree. I get goosebumps thinking about it, both from excitement and from anxiety. How will I tell my family? How will I tell the families I work with? That is, if I'm still allowed to work with them and not transferred to a less visible position. But also, how good will it feel to have testosterone coursing through my veins, working its magic? How great will it be to be referred to as "he" most of the time (and ultimately always)? And then I flash to the moment I first run my hands along my bandaged flat male chest.

I don't know how I get anything done, as preoccupied as I am. I'm so anxious, and yet so excited.