Plans

So I have an appointment for December 30 at 2:45 at Planned Parenthood for their transgender services. I know it'll just be paperwork, a medical history, etc. Maybe bloodwork, I don't know. I'll probably need a letter from my therapist to proceed further, so I'll find out exactly what that letter needs to say. I'm on my way to becoming myself.

I've set January as the month that I'll tell my family. Not sure when I'll officially come out at work, but people already go to me for transgender resources. I'm not real worried about work. I know my supervisor will be very supportive, and I plan to tell her first. After that, I'll follow her lead on who to tell next. Hopefully nobody will make a huge deal about it. I simple email saying something like "Rachel (Ray) Kirkpatrick has changed his name to Jacob Kirkpatrick. Male pronouns are appropriate." Of course, there'll be the bathroom issue, and they may reassign me so it isn't a big deal with our clients. I imagine that some of our involved parents will mind, as may relatives taking care of their grandkids or nieces or nephews, expecting them to grow up with their "values". So they may put me somewhere else, which would unfortunately mean a different supervisor, but I could accept it. I really hope they don't put me in ER (emergency response) though; I couldn't handle actually every day seeing the way some children are treated, day in and day out, and it would break my heart every time I had to separate a child from the abusive parents they love.

Family-wise, I'm not sure how I'm going about it, but I think I'm going to talk to my aunt and grandmother first. They hold a lot of sway in the family, and there is a chance I could get them on my side. They'll ask a lot of questions, play Devil's Advocate, but I think they'll find a way to accept me. Worst case scenario, I get a lot of disapproval and will continue to be called "Racheline" forever. But they've said before that they wouldn't disown family, and I believe them. My parents won't disown me either, but they could make things very uncomfortable for me. Right now I go to their house once or twice a week to visit, and we'll usually watch a show from a DVD. I'll really miss that if they (meaning my mom) become hostile toward me. I'll be lonely if I lose this time with them.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all in my head, and then I remember that actually, yes, it is, but that doesn't make it less real. I wish there was a brain scan or some empirical evidence to wave in my family's faces, to bolster my own self-confidence. When I think like me, it makes so much sense that I need to be a man, that I'm a boy inside waiting to grow up. My body is wrong. Female pronouns are wrong. This can all be fixed (well, mostly), so of course I should do this. But then I think like my family, and this is all so outlandish, and what are the chances that this would apply to me, anyway? Why would I want to risk difficulty with employment and other discrimination over a few words and body parts? It seems like such a drastic change when I think like them, but such a natural transition when I think like me, and it makes my head spin. Who's to say which perspective is right or wrong? Isn't it arrogant to assume that my way of seeing it is right? But this is my life we're talking about here, and I'm the one who has to make the decisions.

I have the appointment (in the name of Jacob, by the way) and I'm proceeding with this. I'm scared of what things may change in the next few weeks. But I'm also really excited and kind of relieved that after all of this waiting, the time for change is upon us, and 2010 is poised to be the year I become myself.