Dysphoria

I've been thinking a lot about my gender lately. For a while now, I've put aside the FtM identity, preferring "genderqueer." But genderqueer doesn't describe me. I don't mix male and female presentations. So then I turned to the label "androgyne". I do look androgynous. I wear androgynous clothing, I sport an androgynous hairstyle. I've grown to not mind being called "she".

On Thursday my workplace sent me to a training about LGBT and susceptibility, prevention, and treatment of alcohol and drug dependence. The first half of the day was basically an "LGBT 101" lesson. Nothing new to me, but I thought it was very well done. There was a lot of focus on transpeople and trans identities, presumably because the presenter figured that was where most people in the audience would lack knowledge. Listening to the definitions was review, but it also started me thinking.

Then Saturday the replacement for a book I had lost months ago, Transgendering Faith, arrived. I've been rabidly reading it since. It's a good read. A large section of the book is devoted to personal stories, mostly of transpeople and family members of transpeople.

Looking at myself from another angle, I don't know that "androgyne" fits me. I'm a female-bodied individual who plans to masculinize their body using surgery and hormones, and prefers to be called "he" and "sir". How androgynous is that, really? It sounds an awful lot like the definition of an FtM transsexual.

Even prior to these events, just thinking about changing my name made me think, You know, as long as I'm changing my name, why don't I go ahead and change my gender too? People are likely to be as understanding of a gender change as they are of a seemingly random changing of first names.

Yet I'm terrified of changing my gender. I'm afraid of others' reactions. I'm afraid I'll regret the transition. I'm afraid I can't measure up to the definition of what is a man. I read in these accounts such certainty on the part of the transperson that they are the gender they transition to. I am certain that I don't feel like a woman. I am certain I want a flat, masculine chest, a more muscular build, a deeper voice. I am certain that I prefer masculine pronouns. Doesn't it make sense that I transition to being male, and let any gender variance in my personality come from being a more feminine man? But that's the part I lack certainty about. I lack certainty that I am really a man, because my personality is actually rather feminine - I'm sensitive, I enjoy working with children, I'm not mechanical and am bad at directions. I lack certainty that I could succeed in a male role.

I feel so confused right now. I don't know what I want. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Of course, I know a church or two where they would be happy to tell me exactly what to do. Actually, most of my family would be happy to instruct me as well. Maybe I should be more careful about what I wish for. . .