Pride, but not pride

Today was awesome, but I can't help but think I failed a test.

I was divided today between two organizations, my work, Fresno County Department of Children and Family Services, and my church, Wesley United Methodist. I literally wore my Wesley shirt under another shirt when I went to set up the DCFS booth, peeled the outer shirt off and marched in the parade with Wesley, then returned to the DCFS booth and put the outer shirt back on so I wouldn't be affiliating my workplace with my church. All in all, this went well. I got to see church friends and represent my church, but also talk to people about adopting, fostering, or becoming a community representative. Oh, and I found out toward the end of the festival, when my boss stopped by, that I'm actually getting paid two hours of overtime, while I thought I was volunteering all my time. That was a pleasant surprise.

The challenge came when work and church collided. Actually, several people from my church came by my work's booth without incident. The only awkward point was when an older gentleman from my church came and referred to me using male pronouns. My coworker made sure to "correct" him, and after he left shared her own stories of having people misread her gender. Now, this would have been a perfect opportunity to say that most people at my church refer to me with masculine pronouns. I could have explained about being pronoun-flexible and androgynous transgender. Of course I didn't, but I wonder what I'm afraid of? That this coworker would judge me? She seems very accepting of our transgender youth. That she would tell other people who may not be so supportive? She might, or at least she would probably tell the other members of the LGBTQ taskforce who may tell other people. But even then, what am I afraid would happen? Do I really think it would affect my day-to-day experience at work? Do I really think that word would quickly reach those who are deciding whether to keep me on? I work with professionals, and I can't imagine that I would actually be harassed, although I'm sure I'd have to answer some interesting questions. My boss would almost certainly be supportive of me. And I don't see word flying to her boss within the next three weeks.

I feel like a coward. I talk about how much I love Pride because it's the one time a year when I can just be who I am, and yet I spend the day hiding part of who I am from coworkers who would most likely be supportive. Maybe I'm still just not comfortable enough with a transgender identity for my openness to go beyond the safety of my church family.