Lately, I've been thinking a lot about changing my name. What's holding me back, and is that something that can be fixed or am I going to be Rachel Kateri Kirkpatrick for the rest of my life?
Of course, one problem is that there is one name everyone would expect me to change mine to. And it's the name of my grandmother's drunken abusive stepfather. It's also my father's middle name, and I don't particularly want to name myself after my father. My younger brother also has Ray for a middle name, and I don't want to take his name from him. I've borrowed it, and I'd like to eventually give it back.
I've gone through long lists of unisex names. The two that stand out the most are Jae and Jess. Of those, Jae would be an easier transition for those around me, but I like Jess better. Jess just sounds so cool and down to earth, the person I long to be. Jae, I don't really know who Jae is. Silent Bob's best friend? I'm not sure I can picture myself answering to Jae, although of course if that's what people called me it would become normal with time. So one question is, should I compromise? This name will be with me for the rest of my life; perhaps it's worth causing people more awkwardness in the transition in order to have the name I feel best fits.
The second question is, will I actually go through with this, and, if so, when? I have the money, that isn't an issue. I'm a permanent employee now, so I can't be fired for doing something weird like changing my name. No, I just have to explain to a hundred people why I'm doing something outside of the cultural norm and am asking them to play a role in it. In a way, I think it would be easier if I was transitioning to manhood. At least people are prepped to know that some people feel like they're a "man trapped in a woman's body." I could explain that I obviously need a new name to go with my new gender. But you know, changing my name really will be changing my gender to me. It will be changing my gender to androgynous. I can't get an A or a T or an N stamped on my driver's license where the F is, and it won't stop me from being called ma'am and Ms. Kirkpatrick. But it would take the gender out of my name, at least. Actually, my ideal name would be Jess Kateri Thomas Kirkpatrick (Kateri and Thomas being the saints I was baptized and confirmed under, respectfully). Androgynous, female, male, surname. But I digress. The point is, I don't know where I would get the strength to explain myself to every single person I know. Hardest, of course, would be my family, because family members don't feel the same social obligation toward privacy or neutrality.
Maybe the best time to change my name would be January. Ten months before the next big family get-together (Thanksgiving) and eleven months from the time when I'd have to write my name on a gift tag. I could just neglect to give out cards to my grandmother and aunt that year for Mother's Day and Grandparent's Day (as well as St. Patrick's Day and St. Valentine's Day, which I sometimes skip anyway). I'd still have to deal with the fact that my family will probably not call me by my new name, and that this may be enforced by my grandmother. Currently, several family members call me Ray, but never in front of my grandmother, who got upset one Christmas when a gift was addressed to Ray. I expect that may be true for my new name as well.
I don't really want to wait. But I'm also really scared to face everyone, all my clients and all my family members in particular. I'm pretty confident that the people at church will be accepting, even if they forget my name pretty often at first. But then, we always wear nametags at church anyway. I'm also not as concerned about my coworkers. I think that for most of them, they wouldn't say much to me after a simple explanation (which I would have to write out and rehearse) and that the ones who may want to know more are the ones who would be most accepting.
Can't I just move to a culture where it's normal to change one's first name? Or to where no one knows me by any other name?
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